Ready to master your relationships? Get "Build Before You Promise" on Amazon →

The Things We Learn Too Late

Sometimes You Are Not Asking for Too Much–You're Asking the Wrong Person

The right people will not make you feel guilty for having reasonable needs, healthy standards, boundaries and a desire to be treated with respect.

By Edwin Ogie • Author of Emotional Mastery, Build Before You Promise, and The Value of You

This article is drawn from Chapter 7 of Build Before You Promise, where I write about the "unsexy work" of inspecting a relationship's foundation before you commit to building on it.

If you have ever questioned whether your standards are too high, the real issue may not be your expectations—it may be the foundation you are trying to build on.

Read the Full Chapter in "Build Before You Promise" →

Have you ever found yourself wondering whether you are simply asking for too much?

Maybe you wanted someone to communicate better.

Maybe you wanted consistency.

Maybe you wanted honesty, respect, affection, consideration or accountability.

But instead of receiving those things, you were made to feel demanding, difficult or impossible to please.

Eventually, you started questioning yourself.

"Maybe my expectations are too high."

"Maybe I am too sensitive."

"Maybe I should just accept things as they are."

"Sometimes the problem is not that your needs are unreasonable. Sometimes you are simply trying to get the right things from the wrong person."

This does not mean that every expectation you have is automatically reasonable. We all have areas where we need to grow, compromise and become more realistic.

But there is a difference between having unrealistic expectations and having healthy standards.

1. Wanting Respect Is Not Asking for Too Much

Respect is not a luxury in a healthy relationship.

You should not have to constantly beg someone to speak to you with basic decency.

You should not have to earn the right to be treated like a human being.

Disagreements will happen. People will make mistakes. Emotions will sometimes get out of control.

But there should still be a foundation of respect.

Healthy standard:

"We can disagree without deliberately humiliating, insulting or destroying each other."

That is not asking for perfection. That is asking for a healthy relationship.

In Build Before You Promise, I describe respect as the load-bearing wall of any relationship. Without it, everything else you build—trust, intimacy, future plans—will eventually collapse. As I state in Chapter 3: "You cannot pour concrete over cracked ground and expect the structure to stand."

Get "Build Before You Promise" on Amazon →

2. Wanting Consistency Is Not Being Needy

Imagine someone who is affectionate today, distant tomorrow, completely unavailable the next day and then suddenly returns whenever they need something.

You may eventually start wondering where you stand.

Wanting consistency does not necessarily mean you are needy.

It means you want to know that someone's words and actions are reasonably aligned.

Healthy relationships require some level of reliability.

Consistency creates security.

You should not have to spend every day trying to figure out whether someone genuinely values you.

In Emotional Mastery, Chapter 5, I explain why inconsistency triggers deep emotional insecurity. "The human nervous system is not designed to live in perpetual ambiguity. When someone's presence becomes unpredictable, your brain interprets it as a threat—not to your safety, but to your sense of self."

Master Your Emotions — Get "Emotional Mastery" →

3. Wanting Communication Is Not Asking for Too Much

Relationships do not survive well on assumptions.

People need to talk.

They need to express concerns. Clarify misunderstandings. Discuss expectations. Apologize when necessary. Listen when the other person is hurting.

Wanting someone to communicate with you does not mean you expect them to be available every minute of the day.

It means you believe important issues deserve honest conversation.

"Silence can create assumptions that honest communication could have prevented."

4. Stop Shrinking Yourself to Make Someone Comfortable

One of the most dangerous things that can happen to your self-worth is learning to make yourself smaller just to keep someone else happy.

You stop expressing your opinion.

You stop asking questions.

You stop mentioning what hurts you.

You stop asking for what you need.

You become increasingly silent because every honest expression seems to create conflict.

Eventually, you may still have the relationship—but you no longer recognize yourself inside it.

Love should not require you to permanently abandon yourself.

This is exactly what I address in The Value of You. In Chapter 4, I write: "When you shrink yourself to fit someone else's comfort, you are not being loving. You are being erased. And a relationship that requires your erasure is not a relationship—it is an occupation."

Reclaim Your Worth — Get "The Value of You" →

5. The Wrong Person Can Make Healthy Needs Look Like Problems

This is where many people become confused.

You may ask for something reasonable from someone who simply does not want to give it.

Instead of honestly saying, "I cannot give you what you need," they may tell you that your needs are the problem.

Then you start questioning yourself.

But incompatibility does not automatically mean that one person is wrong and the other is right.

Sometimes two people simply want different things.

Compatibility matters.

Someone can be a good person and still be the wrong person for the kind of relationship you need.

6. You Should Not Have to Beg for Basic Consideration

Everyone has responsibilities. Everyone gets busy. Everyone makes mistakes.

But there is a difference between occasionally failing to show consideration and consistently making someone feel unimportant.

Healthy relationships involve awareness of how your actions affect the other person.

Consideration may look simple:

Checking in.

Keeping promises when possible.

Giving someone reasonable notice when plans change.

Listening when something matters to them.

Remembering that your choices affect another person.

These are not extravagant demands.

7. Your Standards Should Not Depend on How Much You Love Someone

Love can make us negotiate against ourselves.

We excuse things we would never advise our friends to tolerate.

We keep moving the line because we are afraid of losing someone.

We say, "It is okay," when it is not okay.

We accept repeated disappointment because we are hoping the person will eventually become who we believe they can be.

"Loving someone does not require you to stop valuing yourself."

Love should influence how you treat people. It should not determine how little you are willing to accept.

In Emotional Mastery, Chapter 8, I call this "emotional bargaining"—the silent auction where you keep lowering your price just to keep someone in the room. "The moment your love becomes the reason you accept less, you have stopped building a relationship and started financing an illusion."

Stop Emotional Bargaining — Get "Emotional Mastery" →

8. Learn to Separate Standards from Unrealistic Expectations

This balance matters.

Having standards does not mean expecting someone to be perfect.

Nobody will communicate perfectly every time. Nobody will always understand you. Nobody will meet every expectation.

Healthy relationships require patience, forgiveness and compromise.

But compromise should not become a permanent excuse for unhealthy behaviour.

Ask yourself:

Is this a reasonable need that supports a healthy relationship, or am I expecting another human being to be perfect?

That question can help you distinguish between self-respect and unrealistic expectations.

9. Rejection Does Not Automatically Mean You Are Not Valuable

Someone can reject you and you can still be valuable.

Someone can leave you and you can still be worthy of love.

Someone can fail to recognize your qualities and those qualities can still exist.

One person's inability or unwillingness to value you is not a universal verdict about your worth.

Do not allow someone else's opinion to become the permanent definition of who you are.

10. The Right People Do Not Make You Beg to Be Seen

The right people will still have flaws.

They will make mistakes. They will disappoint you sometimes. They will need correction. They will have bad days.

But there is a difference between imperfection and indifference.

Someone who genuinely values you will generally care about your wellbeing and be willing to work through problems with you.

You should not have to spend your entire relationship trying to convince someone that you deserve basic consideration.

Healthy love is not a constant audition.

You should not have to perform endlessly just to earn the right to be treated well.

In Build Before You Promise, Chapter 9, I write about the "audition trap"—the dangerous belief that if you just perform well enough, someone will finally cast you in the role of "enough." "The right person does not need you to audition. They need you to show up as you are."

Escape the Audition Trap — Get "Build Before You Promise" →

11. Sometimes the Most Important Conversation Is With Yourself

Before blaming another person, take an honest look at yourself.

Are your expectations realistic?

Do you communicate your needs clearly?

Do you also respect the needs of others?

Are you willing to compromise?

Do you expect from others what you are unwilling to give?

Self-awareness protects you from turning every disappointment into someone else's fault.

Sometimes you need a boundary. Sometimes you need a conversation. Sometimes you need patience. Sometimes you need to change yourself.

And sometimes, you simply need to recognize that the relationship is not compatible with what you genuinely need.

12. Do Not Confuse Familiarity With Compatibility

Someone can be familiar to you without being good for you.

You may have history. Memories. Years together. Shared experiences.

But history alone does not guarantee that a relationship is healthy.

Sometimes we stay because leaving feels frightening, not because staying is right.

Ask yourself whether the relationship you are holding onto is actually helping both people become better.

Know What You Bring to the Table

One of the reasons people tolerate unhealthy situations is because they underestimate themselves.

They believe they should be grateful that anyone wants them.

They fear starting again.

They think losing a relationship means losing their identity.

But your value did not begin when someone chose you.

And it does not disappear when someone leaves.

"Know your value before someone else convinces you to accept less than you deserve."

This does not mean becoming arrogant.

It means developing enough self-respect to recognize what you bring into relationships—and enough wisdom to know what you should not continuously tolerate.

This concept is the heartbeat of Mine Your Own Gold. In Chapter 2, I teach readers how to identify their "hidden veins" of value—the knowledge, skills, and emotional assets they have been overlooking. "You cannot negotiate your worth from a position of ignorance. You must first know what you are holding."

A Better Question to Ask

Instead of constantly asking:

"How can I make this person value me?"

Try asking:

"Does this relationship allow both of us to feel valued, respected and emotionally safe?"

That question shifts your thinking from desperation to discernment.

Before You Conclude That You Are Asking for Too Much

Take a moment.

Examine your expectations honestly.

Make sure they are reasonable.

Make sure you communicate them clearly.

Make sure you are also willing to give what you expect from others.

But once you have done that, do not automatically assume that your needs are the problem simply because someone does not want to meet them.

Sometimes the answer is not to lower your standards.

Sometimes the answer is to find healthier ways to communicate them.

Sometimes the answer is to accept that two people are incompatible.

And sometimes the answer is simply to stop abandoning yourself in an attempt to keep someone else.

Final Thought

You deserve relationships where you can be honest without constantly fearing punishment.

You deserve relationships where disagreement does not automatically become rejection.

You deserve relationships where your feelings can be heard, your boundaries respected and your presence appreciated.

That does not mean you deserve perfection.

It means you deserve healthy reciprocity.

So before you conclude that you are asking for too much, ask yourself one more question:

"Am I really asking for too much—or have I simply been asking the wrong person?"

Sometimes, that question changes everything.

Ready to Go Deeper?

This article is only the surface. In my books, I take you through the full architecture of emotional strength, relationship foundations, and self-worth.

Build Before You Promise — Inspect the foundation before you construct a marriage meant to outlast the storms.

Emotional Mastery — Regulate the self before you try to lead, love, or build anything with anyone else.

The Value of You — Understand your worth before you allow others to define it for you.

GET "BUILD BEFORE YOU PROMISE" →

GET "EMOTIONAL MASTERY" →

GET "THE VALUE OF YOU" →

Frequently Asked Questions

Examine whether your expectations are realistic, clearly communicated and reasonably reciprocal. Healthy relationships require compromise, but basic respect, honesty, consideration and reasonable communication are not excessive demands. I explore this distinction in detail in Build Before You Promise, Chapter 8.

Not necessarily. Standards become unhealthy when they demand perfection or control another person. Healthy standards are about the kind of treatment, values and behaviour you are willing to participate in. Read more about this in The Value of You, Chapter 3.

Yes. Love and compatibility are not exactly the same thing. Two people may care deeply about each other while having significant differences in values, expectations, communication styles or relationship needs. I address this in Build Before You Promise, Chapter 5.

Start by understanding your values, keeping promises to yourself, developing your abilities, setting healthy boundaries and refusing to measure your entire worth by another person's approval. This is the core framework of The Value of You.

Featured post

The Foundation Most Couples Skip